The thing is, I love meeting new people and hearing their stories: especially around the holidays when stories are often told about traditions and fun things with friends and family. But to be honest, sometimes, like anyone, I just don’t feel like talking with a lot of new people. I’ve found, though, that if I let myself be me, without specific expectations of how interesting and exciting the conversations have to be, I do just fine.

At one of the parties, I ended up singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs by the fireside with a live piano player. I had a great time, and I was leading the way. People were commenting on how into it I was and how I knew all the songs. It reminded me of when I was younger and would go and sing at nursing homes or neighbor’s homes with my Dad and some people from our church. So stories came out of simply being me:  and so did comfort in the new setting.

At another holiday party, I got really into making clay ornaments. It was great to spend some time nurturing my left brain while also catching up with people. When I’m engaged in doing something, especially something crafty, it’s a lot easier to feel at ease with the conversation. It can also be fun to make something to bring to the party: be it trying a new recipe or using an old standby. That being said, if it’s too much to make an extra shopping trip or spend the time making the recipe, I’m totally fine with buying something. I’ve got an easy baked brie recipe, so I did that for one of the parties. And my fiancé made his dip for another one. But one of my standbys is bringing the frosted cookies from the grocery store. They’re festive and delicious, and there’s just no dessert that compares, homemade or not.

One of the parties celebrates solstice with a big ole’ bonfire. We spend a lot of time by the fire, laughing, throwing old dried up Christmas trees on top, and reflecting on the past year. We had the opportunity to make a wish on a bundle of herbs before tossing it on the bonfire this year. And then we all sit around and enjoy a nice meal together. It’s a great time to really think about the important people in our lives and how we want to make sure we spend that quality time with them. For me, it usually involves cooking and eating, and then spending relaxed time enjoying each other’s company without rushing around or setting time limits on our time together.

Needless to say, after each festive event, I returned home feeling great: I’d had a chance to connect with people, to eat and drink, and to share a few stories while simply enjoying the time of year. Maybe I’m spending time with people I only see once or twice a year at some of the events. But, really, to focus on the moment and enjoy this season is just wonderful with any good people, especially with the right festive atmosphere.

But it takes some real, genuine practice to adopt this mindset the majority (or all of!!) the time. We don’t just wake up one morning and feel as though a flip has switched. Or maybe we do, but it doesn’t  necessarily just stay that way forever: not without some effort on our part. We can practice thinking about what makes us happy, what we have to look forward to, the great things that can happen (or did happen) in one given day.

When friends come to me for a listening ear and maybe a little bit of insight into their world, I often find myself telling them that we can’t always have everything in place. You know what I mean by that. Like we can’t have the great relationship, all these friends we love to hang out with, a job we enjoy, in a fun neighborhood, and feel like life’s going well. But can we? I have friends that, while they’re day’s not peaches and cream every single day, would say that really and truly do have it all. And it’s not just my Mom and Dad, who’ve had a little more time than me (over thirty years) to reach that conclusion. There are people my age, in my life, who would say they have it all.

The point I’m making is that it makes sense to think about the ways in which we already have it all. It is totally normal and great to wake up and consciously decide to make a mental note of our abundances. A future husband who loves me. A furry dog I can snuggle. A big ole Christmas tree with lights on it. Plans for a bonfire this weekend. A family who loves me unconditionally. A future husband who I love and who makes me laugh every day. Friends I can run with; make dinner with; have a glass of wine with, any day of the week. An able body that is healthy that can run me all over town. You see what I mean. And maybe there are smaller things that change from day to day. That’s what makes it exciting. So enjoy the richness of your life this holiday season. Think about what you’ve been given; what you’ve earned; what you’ve given; and what will grace your day with its presence today. Or tomorrow. And maybe the next day too.

It’s like Melissa Ferrick always sings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImK-0Xd7PMM. (Everything I Need). YEAH!

A quote from her web site that I love:

‘Most brilliant women don’t see their own brilliance and are “playing small” and they know it: not speaking up, doubting themselves, seeing themselves as “not yet ready” to launch the big idea, the organization, to put themselves at the table. The 10 Rules, and the other work I do with women leaders are about learning how to quiet self-doubt, clarify purpose, and become comfortable with taking bold action in the workplace and in the world. That is what I teach, and I love to teach it because I’m still learning it myself.’

What led you to make the shift from the nonprofit world where you were working in social services for vulnerable populations and women’s leadership to pursue your career in writing and teaching?

In part, I just needed a certain amount of time to get back to myself after college and graduate school. Although I learned a lot, and I developed my mind, I don’t think that those universities were environments where I felt very empowered or at home with myself. My creative life in particular shut down when I was in school because I personally need a very safe environment to be creative.

The schools I went to encouraged and developed critical thinking more than they developed the heart and the spirit. And that just didn’t work for me – in terms of nurturing my voice, helping me be myself, and make good choices.

It took me up until a few years after school to start to have the capacity to really get back to my dreams and back to my passions.

So in part, I just needed time to get back to myself. But the other thing that led to the shift in my career was pain.

I’d love to say it was some source of inspiration or some wonderful moment that led me to feel like I wanted to make that change in my life. It came much more from a place of pain.

What I mean by that is that when we’re not doing what we’re meant to do or when we’re letting fear and a desire for safety run our lives rather than our own fulfillment, that starts to get painful. At some point, for everyone, it starts to not work.

The level of pain of not feeling like myself and seeing time going by and knowing this isn’t what I wanted to do with my life started to grow. That pain started to increase, and at a certain point for all of us, there comes a time when the pain of the known is greater than the scariness of the unknown.

When I reached that point: that was the beginning of starting to make the transition.

It didn’t happen all at once. There was a year and a half when I was still working full time in my old job but I had started to blog about the personal growth and spirituality topics that interested me, and I also started getting trained as a coach. I didn’t know where any of those experiences would lead me precisely, but I had that year and a half to lean into those things and let my coaching practice grow on the side of my job. I needed a year and a half to feel comfortable making that career leap.

I believe it’s really important that people begin a transition like this by finding some way – on the side of their jobs or in whatever hours they can fit it in – to reclaim their passions and start doing things that feel more authentic to them.

What are you most passionate about?

I’m most passionate about people waking up to their own magnificence.

Considering your quote on your web site that ‘most brilliant women don’t see their own brilliance and are ‘playing small’….not speaking up, doubting themselves, seeing themselves as ‘not yet ready’ to launch the big idea, the organization, to put themselves on the table’, what is some nugget of advice would you give to readers in believing in themselves enough to take that initiative?

Don’t believe what you think.

What I mean by that is don’t believe the voices in your head. There are a lot of voices women have in their head that say, I can’t do that because I need another degree, or I’m not ready for that, or who am I to say that, or if I do that I will probably fail, or I need a few more years.

All of that is just complete bullshit. It’s really hard to wrap our minds around how powerful and false our thoughts can be.

To give an example: In October I was on The Today Show. For the entire month before the show, I had all these thoughts running through my head that this experience would be a disaster; that the hosts wouldn’t like what I am saying; that they will probably make fun of it; that this isn’t a good fit for me; and that I’m not going to come across well. I was entirely convinced that this would be a disaster and that afterwards I just wouldn’t show the clip to anyone. I would delete it.

It was an amazing experience for me to come out of the interview (which went great, and which I had a great time doing) and realize that wow, that narrative I had in my head was totally untrue.

I came across fine in that setting. The hosts loved my work. And I’ve had a lot of opportunities come out it.

We have to take ourselves out of our comfort zone and suspend our beliefs because we’re not reliable sources on what we are and aren’t ready for.

I just read your piece on public speaking, called Undermining Our Words, from your latest post at Huffington Post that details some of the words we can avoid in our l language that convey a lack of confidence. By the way, I sent it to a few of my friends, and they absolutely loved it, so thank you for that. Where do you get the inspiration to write a piece like that? Does it just come to you, or do you take notes over time that then became the meat for the article?

Both. Sometimes I’ll be sitting or walking around and an idea comes in a flash, like, “Oh yeah that’s it.”

The idea of “ten rules for brilliant women” came quickly for me, all of a sudden, like that.

But the content of that article was really years in the making. It was a cumulative process of seeing those patterns in my friends, myself, my colleagues, and then seeing them in my coaching clients.

I wrote that article, 10 Rules for Brilliant Women, one day after a woman left a coaching session. I was thinking about how this woman is so incredible and wondering why can’t she see that about herself and go for it – to really be the leader and revolutionary she could be in her field. There was this list of things I wanted her to know and women like her to know. That’s how the inspiration for that article came.

Are there any other nuggets of wisdom that you would share with a younger version of yourself, say, ten years ago, who is trying to make her place in her community and in this world?

Every step of my journey is part of what has made it my own journey, and I wouldn’t want to change anything.

To me, this period of my life where I feel like I’m living authentically is all the more meaningful because I have experienced the contrast of not living my creative life, and not going for my soul’s desires. And that journey away from authenticity provided so much I can now bring to other people, and it’s meaningful to share with other people. Some of the things that at the time seemed the worst experiences to have to go through have been really the greatest gifts to my work.

What was one of the greatest challenges you’ve faced along the way, in some aspect of your career or personal development, and how did you overcome that period of doubt?

Well, there is one great challenge from along the way that is also still very much alive.

The world is totally insane. I feel that war is insane; violence is insane; the fact that we (myself included) are buying fancy shoes while other people don’t have enough to eat is insane; the fact that we think that imprisoning people will prevent them from committing crimes again is insane.The way in which the world operates in many ways makes no sense to me

Here’s another example: I think it’s insane that we have an insanity defense for violent criminals – under certain circumstances. In what circumstance is using violence to try and achieve your ends not insane? I think it violence is fundamentally insane.

One of my challenges is being willing to say that and  being willing to say things like that, that I know other people may call naïve.

It is scary for me to really share what I think because it’s so different from the assumptions that are taken for granted. But I’m getting better at it.

I recently wrote a Huffington Post article about importance of beauty and how I think that we could have a society where beauty was understood to be as important as, let’s say, politics, where you might have an article about design along side one about world news on the front page of the New York Times. We live in society where anything associated with beauty gets pushed to the frivolous – but I think it’s actually vitally important.

I’m getting better at saying things kind of thing publicly but I do still hold back so I’m continuously working on that.

This is a huge part of what I get excited about in my work. There’s a movement of women with radical things to say about the environment, our economic system, and education. Just like I want to empower myself, I want to help empower these women to share their point of view to change our world: to bring it back into balance.

What are some of the skills and characteristics that you think make a good coach?

Someone who’s a great listener.

Someone who can set aside their own opinions and agenda.

Someone who is highly intuitive so they can use their intuition to ask you good questions and perceive what’s really going on.

What would you say to someone out there that has a great business idea but doesn’t know where to start or whether or not to get it started or says they’re not ready yet?

If it’s a matter of saying ‘I’m not ready yet’, question that. Ask yourself if that is sincere or if it is coming from an inner critic.

In terms of not knowing how to get started in a practical kind of way, just to reach out to people who are doing what you want to do and learn from them.

If you feel like you have no idea even what square one is, and then listen to your intuition about square one.

And in all of those scenarios: picture that woman you want to become; picture the woman twenty years out running this business that is successful and thriving. In your mind imagine sitting down with her, and ask her how she thinks you should start. She’ll always have a good answer.

You’re so courageous, and you do these things that you are afraid of. Do you have a ritual or something you do or practice in order to access that courage?

I think it helps to remember the big picture and connect back to a sense of purpose: What am I trying to achieve? What’s going to matter a hundred years from now? I also try and remember the things I’ve done in the past that I felt really terrified to do and how they worked out, which was usually fine. And just to remember that the fear-thrill feeling, that sense of woah I’m really going out of my comfort zone here, is just an indicator of the really good things that are happening. We can take that feeling as an important sign to go ahead.

Check out Tara’s latest writing by reading any of her 26  poems in Your Other Names: Poems for Wise Living.

After 10+ years in the corporate world, Kim left her company to raise her baby and find what it was that was calling her. That was when she started Great Heights Coaching, a company through which she helps individuals and organizations maximize success. Kim has an MBA with a concentration in organizational development from Boston College and her career and life coach certification through the Life Purpose Institute.

Can you talk about your career path and what led you to choose career coaching?

I got an undergraduate degree in psychology, and my original dream was to go into a PhD. program and become a clinical psychologist. When it came time to apply for the programs, I kind of froze. I thought: I can’t really afford a full time program. I’ll be thirty before I can even move out of my mother’s home. All these fears arose for me, and I realized that it wasn’t the right time in my life to take that step.

I went through a complete shift when I entered the corporate world and took a job at EMC. I loved my job and the corporate environment, which is why I was there for 9 years. I managed relationships with various business partnerships. It was a satisfying role for me because I was able to use my psychology background to build relationships, understand what motivates people, and negotiate with others. For a long time I felt a great sense of satisfaction from my job.

While I was at EMC, I decided to pursue an MBA part time.  I felt that I was missing some of the mechanics, having not studied business as an undergraduate. By the time I graduated from the program, I was ready for a change of scenery. Things had changed a lot: the company was growing wildly, but didn’t have the same focus on its people.

I decided to try a smaller organization, thinking that it would be a better fit for me. I accepted a partner management position at Monster, where I worked for two years.   Unfortunately, it just wasn’t a good cultural fit for me.  The organization wasn’t committed to developing its people or leveraging its talent.  I didn’t feel connected to the mission and just couldn’t pour my heart and soul into it as I had in previous roles.

I had a baby in 2010 and made the decision to stay home with him. Because I felt so disconnected from my work, it was hard for me to justify putting a newborn in daycare to go to a job that wasn’t fulfilling.

I was fortunate enough to be able to make that decision.  As I was settling into my new role,I started thinking about what it was that made me happy. It had been so long since I’d felt any sense of satisfaction in my career. I knew that there had to be something I did well that I also enjoyed doing.

It was then that a common theme emerged: helping others to navigate their careers. For several years I had managed young professionals who were new to the workforce.  I loved helping them plan their development and take the next steps in their careers.  I thought to myself, “If I could translate that to a career, I’d be thrilled.”  When I started talking to people, and looked into it, I realized you can make a great career out of it.

For almost a year, I’ve been working with professionals who want to make a career change.  Most are unhappy, but don’t know what they want.  Others want to get ahead in their current career. They’re not sure how to make the next step so I help them to reconnect with their passions and natural abilities to find a more rewarding career path.  We then create a plan to ensure success.

In the process, I’ve also recognized a huge opportunity to work with businesses. Many employees are unhappy in their work environments.  They feel disconnected and are actively considering other options.  This isn’t good for the business or the individual.  I’ve decided to expand my coaching practice to help businesses create workplaces that foster greater employee engagement and satisfaction.

I’ve read a lot about starting a business, and I always come across articles about how it takes a lot of grit and determination to start a business. Can you tell us more about what it was like to start your own company, and what qualities and skills it required for you?

It’s ironic because I never thought of myself as an entrepreneurial person. I thought I was the type that was really great at executing on someone else’s plan. The thought had never occurred to me until I was at home with my baby and really took the time to think about how I could be more satisfied. I wasn’t ready to give up on my career entirely, but I knew I didn’t want to go back to what I had been.

Find out what your passion is and what motivates you.

Starting a business requires a lot of effort, a lot of determination. If your heart isn’t in it, it’s really hard to go through the process of developing something without support. One thing I missed was having co-workers around to bounce ideas off of, or that manager that’s patting you on the back, saying you did a great job on this project.

You really have to find a lot of that satisfaction from within. If you’re just doing it to escape something else it’s not going to be as rewarding. Make sure you’re working on something you feel strongly about.

A lot of people have trouble morphing their passion into their business because what they’re passionate about doesn’t necessarily include the types of functions involved in running a business. So if you’re somebody who has a passion for, let’s say web design, and that’s what you really want to do, there are a lot of other pieces to running a business that could fall by the wayside if you don’t have a plan in place.

Know your resources. Know who’s out there that can bridge some of your gaps. While it’s great to be out there paving your own way, you need to find support systems that can help you. There are really great resources out there: from the local Chamber of Commerce to the Small Business Association.   You really need somebody that can help you put all the pieces together and a well-rounded plan that takes into consideration all of the elements of the business.

For those women that live in the Greater Boston area, and are looking to strategically grow their business in some way, another great resource is the Women’s Enterprise Initiative (http://www.newtonma.gov/business/wei.htm).

Where would you suggest other people start when trying to re connect with their passions or figure out what those passions are?

I use some very simple questions that sound obvious, but people typically don’t ask themselves.

First I always ask: What comes naturally to you?

This doesn’t have to be job specific. Think broadly across your life. Spend some time on this and don’t dismiss anything as insignificant.  People tend to be really hard on themselves.  They spend a lot of time beating themselves up over what they’re not good at, but often think that what they’re good at is either unimportant, or that anyone can do it. That’s not true. Each person has a unique combination of gifts that doesn’t exist anywhere else; their own gifts that they bring to the table.

What do you enjoy doing?

Consider your everyday life. What are you doing when you lose time? What are you doing when hours have gone by and you haven’t realized it?  Oftentimes what we enjoy doing are the things we’re good at, but that’s not always the case.  Don’t feel destined to a career in something you don’t like just because you’re good at it.

What do you want?

This is a hard question because it’s so broad, but it doesn’t have to be profoundly philosophical.  It just needs to be specific.  Sometimes it helps to think about what you don’t want.  We tend to be better at identifying what we don’t like.  For example, you may know that you don’t want a long commute, or a manager that micromanages. This gives you important information about what you do want.

When you factor in all those things, it paints a much clearer picture of who you are and what direction you want to go in.

Is there a pearl of wisdom you would tell a younger version of yourself, looking back ten years or so, that you wish you would have known then?

I would say….and I wrote about this in one of my blog posts about the definition of success. (Read more at http://www.greatheightscoaching.com/Great-Heights-Coaching-Blog.html?entry=are-you-limited-by-your). When I was young and without much experience, I had this vision in my mind of what it meant to be “successful.” I marched toward that vision, influenced by my environment. A successful career meant having a prestigious job title and a high salary. That was the world that I lived in.

As my life evolved and my priorities shifted (I got married and had a baby), suddenly those things became less meaningful to me.  I began to ask myself, “Was I wrong?”  “What now?”

It’s really important to stay flexible, so that you can respond to career and life changes along your path.  Also, always follow your heart and be true to who you really are.  This will lead to greater success and happiness in the long run than being tied to the artificial constructs of what it means to be successful.

Given that you are obviously a very busy woman who lives a full life between running your own company and raising a family, is there anything you do regularly to stay grounded and connected to yourself or maintain a balance?

That is a work in progress for me. I could do a much better job of that. One of the challenges of having your own business is that it’s easy to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s really hard to step away from it. I’m working on having more time to do things like yoga and exercise, things that will contribute to my own physical and emotional health.  I think it is really important to set boundaries for yourself that you would have in a more traditional work environment. I would be lying if I said I do a really good job of that now (Kim laughs).

On a daily basis I try to stay connected to my husband and my child and keep my priorities in focus. There are times when I get lost in my work. What I really want to do is make sure that those relationships stay really powerful and don’t get lost in everything that I’m working on.

What would you say you’re most passionate about?

When I think about what motivates me, and ask  myself why I am doing this, my answer is that it’s because I went from being a really enthusiastic, loyal and committed worker who felt really great about the work that I did to suddenly feeling disengaged and disillusioned by my work environment. I know so many other people who have been through that, and I don’t think it’s necessary. My passion is to be surrounded by people who love what they do. I really want people to be passionate about their work, to feel good about what they do every day. I think that life is too short, and we spend so much of it at work that people should really enjoy what they do. That doesn’t mean they have to “save the planet.” It just means they should feel a sense of purpose when they get up in the morning. I want to help people get there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e8xgF0JtVg

Just recently a book entitled ‘I am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced’ came out. This girl was sold into marriage at the age of 10 to a 30 year old by her parents who were living in poverty in Yemen. He promised not to touch her until she was ‘old enough’ but that didn’t happen, and she was abused every day. She managed to escape and went to the city and found the court house, where she sat and waited. When someone finally approached and asked her what she was going there, she told them she wanted a divorce. Human rights lawyers took on her case, and she was divorced at the age of 10. Something is wrong with this story. At least now she can go back to school and study and, hopefully, with the support of others, find some other options.  Poverty is one of the root causes of situations like this, and this is one of the types of issues that the Girl Effect seeks to alleviate.

Not that we still need to give reasons why women and girls should have investments made in them, but a big place to start is in the statistic that women tend to invest 90% of what they earn back into their families and their communities. Investing in women is an investment for entire families, communities, countries, and for the world. You can invest in girls and future women today by donating just the Girl Effect. You can choose from any number of exciting programs, or to the program in general. And you can feel great about working to end poverty by investing in 12-year old girls. I feel really good about my donation, and I think you will too!

Me: When we met and talked a couple of weeks ago, I liked what you had to say about people’s resilience and positivity.

Ming: Well, yes, it is something to keep me going…that positivity.

Me: Can you tell me about your career path, and, in particular, what led you to get your LMHC? (become a licensed mental health clinician)

I had always been a good listener and been there for people. Then in high school, a friend of mine said that she wanted to kill herself. I was absolutely speechless when I heard that. I didn’t know what to say. It was during that encounter that I realized that I would need some kind of training to be able to respond to people who feel that way.

I wanted to really learn how to be with another human being and listen to their stories and challenges and struggles.  Then I learned from a TV show that you could be a psychologist and sit there and listen to people’s problems.

Me: So in a way it was kind of like a calling.

Ming: So I went on pursuing my education, passed my licensing test, etc.

Me: Did that ever feel daunting?

Ming: It was pretty clear for me that there was this path laid out before me, and that you just do it. In high school, I knew I had to get into a college and major in psychology and pass the entrance exam in Taiwan. I had to study really hard to get into a school for my undergrad degree. I majored in psychology, and from then on, since I heard that psychology is ‘big’ in the U.S., I realized I should study abroad, and then get recommendations from professors to become a psychologist. So I studied English harder, apply to graduate school in U.S. and was accepted into the counseling psychology program at Lesley University.

After graduation, I had to get my licensing hours and then prepare for the licensing test. Looking back, this was all just a part of the process. I don’t particularly like to study or take tests, but I had to do it along the way to get there.

Before getting into the U.S. program, I also had to take the TOEFL and GREs. I’m used to this type of testing, though, because students in Taiwan have been through so many tests. This part wasn’t particularly hard for me.

The hard part is the little moment when you are struggling with your own confidence. People or things may happen that make me question myself, like wondering if I have what it takes to actually help people…not in terms of the standard requirements but internally do I have what it takes to have that impact on people. Looking back in life, there were times when I was depressed or withdrawn and very introverted. It’s hard to imagine really sitting with people if I struggled so much of coming out of myself.

Throughout the experience you meet clients, the people you’re working with, and you find it very hard to work with them. They trigger your own challenges. If someone is hard to work with, it’s usually a reflection about something I’m struggling with myself. Many times I am stubborn and angry, and I really don’t like being that way.

Working with people is about seeing a lot about myself and overcoming those challenging views or emotions. Still today, there will be days I see those parts of myself. This is when I have to find the strength and confidence to go beyond myself in order to find hope and motivation.

There’s a part about to say stop pitying yourself…or now you know this is your issue. Accept it. Acknowledge it. And then look at it and find ways to understand it and learn from it. Learning from it you either realize that oh actually it’s a lot of judgment on my part, and that I don’t have to judge myself so it’s not really an issue, or that it’s just your own criteria that is no longer needed. Or maybe it is something that is blocking me from being open to more people. Then I have to say this is something I have to decide to stop doing, do differently, or continue doing it.

And I have come to the realization that when you don’t see it you are stuck in it. But when you see it, the issue can then become true acceptance. You no longer make excuses for yourself. You have that clarity to say that I know this is not helpful and I need to change. Change only comes from true acceptance. Don’t beat yourself up and say you’re a bad person so you need to change, but rather because I am a good person, and there is something more important about life, that is when you truly have that motivation and willingness to move beyond it.

I learned that a lot from working with people who have addiction. They are my best teachers a lot of the times. They keep using the clichés that you’ hit rock bottom’ and ‘take it one day at a time’. Those become very useful tools and encouragement to ask yourself okay how low are you going to go to hit rock bottom? Is there a rock bottom beyond rock bottom? People realize they don’t want to continue going down, and this is pretty bad so they’ve got to turn around and do something.

I see that in people in recovery. They decide this will be the last day they will use [drugs] or pick up the drink. This is not to say they don’t use again, but the determination becomes clear.

In my own recovery, I might get into a bit of self pity, but I wouldn’t dwell on it long. You quickly move onto the bigger picture and wake up from it. Keep doing the things that you are doing. Stay motivated and stay positive. This is not motivational therapy. But you know there is something bigger and better and that is what you are looking for. That is what you are called for. This can become very spiritual.

What you are called for is beyond just your personal determination. There is something that you are moved by and inspired by because you are connected to something bigger. You know, call it spirit, or God, and to me it’s Tao…you can’t separate yourself and stay in that little box and say life is just about doing a, b, c and d…no, if I am really honest with myself I am really truly connected to every being and phenomenon in this world. So I have to do my part. I am part of something bigger, so I need to do my part.

I use a simple analogy like rowing. Everybody has to row; one person can’t sit and relax while everyone else is rowing. Everybody has to play a part. Of course, it is always your choice. Everyone on the boat could say no and refuse to row.  I have no problem with that. But when you see the bigger picture, it carries you…it pushes you to row, to play a part.

MB: Have you ever personally struggled with self doubt, and, if so, how did you overcome it?

You already answered this in terms of confidence and your way of thinking, but is there anything else you do?

Ming: I realized I am the biggest enemy in my own life. Here and there, there will be signs or teachers that come to my life to point out to me that it is all within your reach or it’s all within your control…any obstacle. It’s never about anybody else or anything else.

So there’s this metaphor saying, that there is no fire mountain that you cannot climb over. This is my way to say that any obstacle in life you can pass because it is all within you. Of course, we have self doubt because that is how it was designed. Every obstacle in life, if you really pay attention, if you really stay still, you find that, it’s only when you think you cannot do it that you cannot do it.

Of course how you do it is the work. Once you know, okay, I can do it, then one can trigger how we are connected to everything. That’s when the motivation comes. Here and there I will have teachers and signs in my life that will show me this, to remind me of this. Whenever I feel doubt about myself, discouraged, hopeless, someone or something will show up in my life. For example, it could be a client. They will tell me they went to an AA meeting, and they heard that sentence one day at a time, and it finally clicked. Just by sharing that with me, it becomes my own message, and serves as a reminder that, oh yah it is one day at a time.

Or it could be something I witness like a close call for an accident that kind of brings me back to a reality that time is precious or that I am lucky to be alive. Little things like that pull me out of myself and wake me up again to see the bigger picture. It could be a book that I happen to read at that time…mostly spiritual books. But it could also be a soap opera. You never know because it’s that sign. It’s that something that happened to show up, and I happened to capture it to say oh that’s what I needed to hear!

Or a good laugh. It could be a comedy that makes you laugh it out and think nothing could be that serious. It loosens you up, waking you up, the close call is to bring me back to kind of connecting to the larger world. It breaks me out of my shell. That’s the best way I can explain how I get out of that self doubt moment.

I feel I need to say that I am consciously aware that I am connected to this larger picture: that I have to do my part.

There’s something called a wakeup call or that aha moment that every human being has that receptor built in, and it can only at the right moment. In the beginning of my life, when I was very young and very ignorant, I would feel as though some people were hopeless. There’s no way they would ‘get better.’ I don’t believe that anymore. And it’s because I really see that built-in receptor is there. They just haven’t reached their own right moment.

I never give up on anybody, even if I might not be the person that will make a larger impact at the current moment. That moment will come to that person.

That concludes that I need to continue to do my part. You can call that a calling. It’s not just being a therapist or helping people. There’s a calling that I have to live my life and stay connected and stay open. Only when I am open and tap into this larger world will everything else also trigger people to do their part. I’m not saying I’m special because I do my part; everyone else does their part. Because we’re all connected, only when everybody rows, things shift. I know I need to row.

MB: You’re reminding me of the South African term, Ubuntu, that Desmond Tutu uses that explains that we are all connected and therefore I can only be me; I can only be my best self, if you are you; if you are your best self.

Ming: That’s it.

We use different language, but we’re saying the same thing.  You hear that, and you make that connection. That is how we’re all connected.

MB: I’m reading this book right now, and it’s called ‘The Tao of Personal Leadership’. You mentioned the Tao. How does the Tao play into your life?

Ming: Tao is a Chinese word that can be translated into the method; the way; the principle. ‘the way.’ So there’s the small t, and then there’s the big T. To me in general, anything you do, there’s tao in it. For example, the Japanese say the tao of tea, which has a whole ritual and ceremony and principle behind how you drink and use tea in your life. The tea tao means what is the meaning and the principle behind that. I call that the small tao…the small aspect of certain things we do in life. The tao of leadership or the tao of cooking.

And then what I realize is that then there’s the big Tao, the Tao of life and beyond, that sort of guides us in everything we do and every being and life…

So it is very equivalent to the Creator, God, but then from what I experience Tao is. The Tao of Life is the Tao of everything. We’re all tapped into this; we are all part of this; and Tao is the behind force of everything, so once I see that it becomes clear how I can be guided, or live life accordingly. It’s about living life accordingly, according to Tao. I feel like the more I say Tao the more I limit it. It’s like how the more you describe God, God becomes smaller than what it is. So I try not to say too much.

It is about really tuning into your deep, inner truth. You can see Tao plays in nature in the changing  seasons. Tao plays in human beings: you can call that morals. Tao in chemicals, you call them chemistry. Tao in society is that ultimate law beyond human laws that humans need to follow. I have to live my life accordingly because if I am taking a detour out of that, then I usually can feel the consequences.

For example, when I grew up, my family always taught me that you get up early and you go to bed early. Early usually means 6 o’clock. The earlier you get up the earlier you go to bed, and supposedly that’s good for you. Being a kid there is this tendency of slacking off and trying to do what feels good but not trying to do what’s good. That also means don’t stay up late. You should get up early and enjoy nature and then go to bed early.

For a human body as a kid I wanted to sleep in, and I didn’t feel like waking up early. My body is still tired. I tend to do what feels good. I learned to get up to get to school.

Then later in life I get a job, and I have to go to work, and I have to be responsible for my life. I really start to feel the consequences. That’s more about staying up late. If I stay up late for whatever reason, watching TV or chatting with friends or doing some reading, I will feel it in my body that it’s not good for me. I can’t explain it. You can see because I feel tired or I feel awful, but it’s more about the fact that it’s not good for you so don’t keep doing it.  I contribute that to what I was saying earlier about living life accordingly. There’s a sense of law, but it could be slightly different from individual to individual. Then there’s a bigger principle that I need to follow, such as being kind to one another.

I know sometimes if I’m angry or pissed off or jealous for whatever reason, I might not act kind to others, and later on I feel bad. It lingers in my brain. I feel weird, awful, not smooth, not…right. Simply put, it’s a very limited but very concrete example of Tao. Tao is a word that sums up all of the universal law, no I take that back, the law of nature. Because we are all a part of it; we are all connected to it. So that’s just what it is. Just like rowing a boat, rowing a boat. Life is about the boat moving…so everybody rows the boat.

One way I would suggest people to learn more about Tao. Tao de Ching is a book that has a pretty good explanation about Tao. I also want to particularly say with caution that when you are trying to understand Tao as a concept you will definitely miss the whole picture. It is about living the experience. You can’t study Tao by reading a book, but it’s by reading it and then feeling it  and then showing it by doing it. That’s when, really, sort of spirituality and life can integrate: when everything can truly make sense, even though living shouldn’t be about making sense here (Ming points to her head) but making sense by just truly connecting and being open and being a part of something bigger. I have learned all this after I have the affinity to receive Tao. If people are interested in receiving Tao, they can contact me.

MB: Is there anything you do regularly to stay connected to yourself and your spirituality?

Ming: There are a couple of things I try and do on a regular basis: free writing. I’ve found that very helpful because it’s a way of really allowing whatever goes on in my mind to have a way of expression. And by expressing it, it really helps my thoughts flow. The idea of flow is better than being stuck. Or I experience being stuck, which isn’t necessarily bad, but feeling stuck can inspire me to have the flow and experience the flow. I thank being stuck so that I can experience the feeling of flowing and know when it’s happening.

Another one is meditation. There are different ways I meditate. Sometimes I meditate simply: it’s not really just about sitting still but more about giving myself the space and time to be open, focused yet open. You’re devoting a time to being completely open and concentrating on being open to whatever comes to you…thoughts, feelings, but not to let it stick but to just acknowledge it and let it happen without resisting it. In a way meditation is a practice of being part of nature, as you are allowing and acknowledging and non judgmental to anything; you are just present.

I also read spiritual books. Lately I’m reading more Asian and Eastern teachings like Lao Tzu, Tao de Ching, Confucius, and a lot of Buddhist teaching.  I simply find it easier for me to connect because I’m reading it in Mandarin Chinese, so that language seems closer to home so that I can be connected to what was expressed in words and somehow I have a felt experience.

Oh, I forgot, two more things: it all comes together, the writing and meditation. There are two other things that come with that. I am practicing every day to truly reflect and be honest with what I’ve done wrong and make a conscious note of not doing it again or be more conscious of my bad habits. Every day I take a mental note that it will become something I will not do. Every time I do that I also do this other thing on the flip side.

I count my blessings. Little blessing. Big blessing. Whatever blessing it is. To find whatever makes me grateful in life. I think those two practices have helped me root in the human phenomenon. Spirituality is something intangible, but I’m still in this body, in this life, doing whatever work and making a living, so that kind of helped me ground myself as a human being.

MB: The last time we spoke, you mentioned the resilience that you have seen in the human condition. In particular, you mentioned this homeless woman who day in and day out goes through a whole host of struggles, and yet, she survives, and even cracks a joke now and again. Can you talk more about that?

Ming: That’s a good point. I don’t know how I pick it up. I’m always wondering how I picked it up.

I am very amazed and touched when I see resilience in people. I think that’s part of me counting blessings that I’m grateful for. It is there. If everybody can say life is so bad, the world is so bad, but I always say but I see this: I see resilience.  I cannot imagine living the life they live, the people who struggle every day and still have a spark, a sparkling moment, that I can see. That was just amazing. If you want to call it God’s work, the human spark, the moment of sparkling, that shining moment that is God’s work, Tao shining through in that person…

I think it’s always there; it’s just a matter of whether we see it or not. And I guess I choose to see it to remind me how powerful human spirit or god or whatever we call spirit is there…because at the same time I can also say that destruction and violence, are almost equally powerful, and I think a lot of people see that as well. For me, that is part of my motivation to know it is more than that. And so I see it. If I think this woman is so depressed and so desperate or so devastated, I would not see the spark.

So there’s something bigger than that; something bigger than any one of them. But at least I see it, and when I encounter that I would try to reflect that back to the person. And I think that is part of doing God’s work, or whatever you call it. Because we’re connected so we reflect that back to each other that there is something bigger that is bright; that is big; that is beautiful; that is good. And that is always there. It never goes away. And that’s part of my blessing of seeing that every day, to remind me, and then keep going.

And I see that in people in recovery too. They could just say hell with it I’m going to keep using for the rest of my life. But they don’t. That’s another thing. They don’t. They still want to somehow come back to that track, that path, accordingly. There’s almost this innate device that keeps guiding us back. Whenever we’re taking a detour, it just feels weird or different. It’s not comfortable.

And they come back. I think some people are almost resentful of the fact that we keep coming back. Hell with it. I’ll just be in trouble for the rest of my life. But no, people don’t. I don’t know if they consciously know that. “I don’t care.” They are such powerful words. And even just by saying that deep down they care or they wouldn’t be saying ‘I don’t care.’

So that’s resilience because it’s built in. It’s built in, that deep, inner wisdom: we can call that Tao that is within all of us. It’s just waiting for that moment to spark.

Waiting for it is not particularly passive, but it needs to have some kind of serendipity that happens at the right moment. It could be an event or a person’s guidance. Everything comes together and boom.

MB: Do you have a pearl of wisdom that you would share with a younger version of yourself, knowing what you know now, say, in your late twenties or early thirties?

Ming: I would say something like always be open to possibilities. In other words, don’t give up.

Nothing is for sure or a dead end or ‘this is it.’ Stay open. Everything is possible. By saying that it’s helping my younger self not to get stuck in, trapped in, not to get depressed, bogged down. And then that one thing for sure is that if you stay this way, if you keep open, everything will be all right.

So hopefully by me telling my younger self I will probably experience a shorter time being depressed and more time to be active and touch more people’s lives as well as my own. My life probably will be fuller, richer, and that’s all. Sometimes we have to go through what we have to go through to get to what we know now.

So maybe in a way I’m saying that challenges, obstacles, difficulties are all your friends. That would be something else I would say. Welcome it. Embrace it. Do not resist it. It doesn’t mean it always feels good, but good friends are not always nice to you.

MB: Good point.

Ming: Or, in Chinese, good medicine usually tastes bitter.

Me: I like that.

**If you would like to contact Ming with regards to questions or more information about the Tao, please feel free to reach out to her via email at mmiinngg@hotmail.com.

Most of us don’t get nearly enough vitamin D in our diets; we would have to drink 15-20 glasses of vitamin-D enriched milk per day. Deficiencies in vitamin D can lead to anything from aching joints and depression to an increase in the risk of infection, diabetes, and some cancers. In order to get more vitamin D, it is recommended that we spend a few minutes per day in the sunshine (which does not go along with the recommendations for avoiding cancer); taking a supplement; and consuming foods that contain high amounts of vitamin D, such as milk and eggs, orange juice and oily fish.

Make sure you enjoy a few minutes in the sun! But don’t forget that sunscreen either…

Normally I do not give money to people I don’t know, for reasons that most people don’t: I have no idea where that money is going, or whether it will be used effectively. So yesterday, when the man with a baseball cap with a dollar in it in his hands sat down next to me, I debated giving him the Clif bar I had brought with me for lunch (Sorry, Mom, I didn’t have much time and don’t eat out much these days-at least not until I have a paycheck coming in). I debated, and I decided to give him the Clif bar. So I dropped it in his hat, and he had his head down but reached into the cap, picked it up, and asked what it was: ‘My lunch’, I told the man.

‘Well, thanks, Miss Lady’, he replied, ‘but I can’t take your lunch.’ ‘No, no, please do, I insisted. I’ll just make something when I get home later on.’ ‘This here Miss Lady gave me her lunch’, he replied. ‘Can’t you all spare something for  me? You can all go home to your apartments and your warm dry places.’ My heart broke in two places, now for this man that was apparently in tough times, no matter what his story is, and for the others on the train that were being guilt tripped into giving up their lunch money. The man got off the train, and, in the end, I was pretty happy that I gave him my lunch. The only issue was my fear of getting a case of the hungries during my meeting and getting in a mood, or having an energy low and being unable to articulate my ideas.

Do you know that I showed up a half hour early for the meeting than I was supposed to? And that I was greeted at the door and brought right to Doreen’s desk? And that she offered to take me out for a big ole’ hearty bowl of Vietnamese soup with Thai basil and bean sprouts? And that she would not let me pay for it? I am telling you, the Universe was looking out for me yesterday, and I have to believe that someone or some thing is looking out for me every day in some way….Yum. Yum. Yum.

Then my friends Nicole and Melissa got in touch and asked me to do Melissa’s muscle and abs class at the gym that night.  Nicole picked me up, and we met Melissa there. It made me happy just getting out and catching up with Nicole. Then not thirty seconds into Melissa’s class, when I started to hear the bumpin’ lyrics of a latest and greatest top 40 hit, I started to smile. And I couldn’t stop smiling in fact…

I was happy and focused and motivated for that entire hour, and the super mood carried me into the night and through the next morning, today. Sometimes I forget about the power of movement, and the naturally induced drug that is emitted while exercising:  endorphins. Endorphins are magical and powerful, and they make me happy and energized.

So the exercise made me feel like a million and one bucks, but so did getting out and hanging out with my friends. Social connections play a large part in our mood and happiness levels. So does trying new things! I had never tried that class before, and it felt really good to be challenged.

Thanks, gals and movin’ and groovin’, for helping to turn the entire trajectory of my week around!